KERWIN HALL – Members of the American University Student Government
(AUSG) were relieved to hear of the recent antics of Representative Haley Stevens, a Michigan ‘Democrat’ and AUSG alumna, which have set the bar for AUSG alumni so low that they’re now practically guaranteed to clear it.
Stevens, who recently committed total career suicide by endorsing Republican candidate Mike Rogers over Democratic candidate Abdul El-Sayed, has now made it so that AUSG alums would have to reach a whole new level of depravity to dethrone her for the worst graduate of the program, which current members are calling, “the best news of the year.”

“Honestly, it’s a real weight off our shoulders,” said Stewart ‘Stu’ Dentgovernment, a current member of AUSG. “We all knew we were going to go into some real immoral shit once we graduate. Think tanks, Al peddlers, congresspeople, and so on. But ratfucking your party’s chances of flipping the senate in one of the most important midterms of our lives? None of us could ever think of stopping so low. If that’s where the bar is now, then I think our souls will be okay, comparatively speaking.

When asked for comment by the Rival American, Representative Stevens
responded, “Do you have any idea what time it is in Tel Aviv right now?!”