AMERICAN UNIVERSITY – After multiple political organizations refused their invitation for a debate, the American University College Republicans (AUCRs) publicly expressed disappointment that the AU College Democrats, Bipartisan Club, and Young Democratic Socialists of America, who they referred to as “stupid dum dum doofuses, were unwilling to join them in a civilized dialogue.

“It greatly disheartens us that those dumbfuck libtards didn’t think we would be able to sit down with them without resorting to ad hominems,” said Evan Burgerreich, a spokesman for the AUCRs. “We wish these little doodooheads would realize that being able to engage with your political opponents in a dignified manner is a crucial part of a functional community. All we want is to be able to convince people that their rights should be repealed and their lived experiences don’t matter under the guise of bipartisan debate, why would they ever say no to that?”

Undeterred, the AUCRs went on to hold their proposed debate, which they declared themselves victors of by virtue of being the only organization willing to be around the AUCRs.