WASHINGTON, D.C. – For some people, Halloween is more than just a yearly holiday – it’s a year-round lifestyle. One local man, identified to reporters only as
“Senator John Fetterman,” has certainly embodied this Halloween spirit with his years-long refusal to remove his ogre costume.
According to those who know him, Fetterman wears the costume at all times, donning it at home with his family, as well at his job, which was described as “something on Capitol Hill.”

Funny thing is, without all the prosthesis and makeup, he’s actually a pretty good-looking dude,” said Israel Mann, a long-time friend of Fetterman’s. “He’s like a young Kyle Chandler.
But out of nowhere a while back, he got really animated about Halloween, I guess, and he hasn’t taken the ogre gimmick off since. He even, like, method acts as one now. Won’t stop talking about how he wants to have kids killed.
It’s gotten pretty unsettling, but we think it’s just a phase.”

When asked for comment by the Rival American, Fetterman responded with a crudely drawn illustration of himself hitting our editorial board over the head with a club.