JUDICIARY SQUARE – Beloved American University mascot Clawed Z. Eagle has announced that they are suing @thegwfoghorn, a publication running out of George Washington University, over claims that the former is mentioned in the much-speculated upon Epstein files. Clawed, who has emphatically denied these allegations, is believed to be seeking over 67 million Eaglebucks in damages. Judge Judy, famous TV judge and who also happens to be an AU Alumni, watched over the proceedings.
When Foghorn lawyers questioned if a payout on that scale was even possible from the publication, Clawed was reported to have said, “Tough shit. Figure it out.”
“These baseless accusations made against a proud, upstanding member of the American University community are absolutely vehement, and those who drummed it up will not go unpunished,” said AU president Jon Alger, who is representing Clawed pro bono. “And by the way, who would you believe is actually in the Epstein files: an Eagle who’s risked their life saving students from alcohol poisoning on multiple occasions, or the satirical paper of a school whose mascot was ‘The Colonial’ until two years ago? Now, I’m not claiming anything, but if the shoe fits…”
American University officials urge students to “focus on their upcoming finals and stop asking where Clawed was back-in-the-day.”
Leave a Reply