WASHINGTON, D.C. – National Guard troops stationed in the nations capital have expressed frustration that, due to the recent government shutdown, they are now only able to clamp down on and arrest non-essential criminals. “I have to be honest, it feels like a bit of a kick in the nuts,” said Sgt. Warren McGillicuddy, describing how his units morale has sunk to new lows in the aftermath of the shutdown.
“When we came out here, we were told it was to do law enforcement and stop all the crime in Washington, so we were expecting to be busting up government corruption rings, senators taking bribes, executives abusing their power, all that jazz. But now the brass is telling us that stuff’s so important to keeping the remainder of the government functional that we can’t go after any of that until the shutdown ends. It’s just more protestors and jaywalkers, stuff the system doesn’t need to keep running smooth.”
“It’s ridiculous, if you ask me,” said another National Guard trooper who preferred to remain anonymous. “I mean, they’re doing all this stuff right out in the open. I’m pretty sure I saw two representatives hand off a burlap sack with a dollar sign on it yesterday. But now all these budget issues have law enforcement running at half capacity, and now they’re saying all this stuff is ‘essential crime’ that we don’t have the resources to do anything about during a shutdown because it keeps things running. If I’d known I’d just be making regular busts and turning a blind eye to corruption right in front of me, I’d have joined the NYPD.”
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