If you’re reading this article, odds are your attention span is completely fried. Don’t take it as an individual failing; the modern world, full of screens and devices competing to grab your attention, has left our generation with the concentration capabilities of an excitable toddler. We’re suffering for our dependence on technology in all aspects of our lives, and our sex lives are no exception.

We understand that these days, it’s a big ask to pay complete and undivided attention to your partner and their pleasure for however long you both need. You need the extra stimulation of the modern world to keep yourself entertained during whatever chance encounters or romantic trysts you may have. We get that. Thus, The Rival American presents to you our list of the top 10 things to watch during sex, tailored to the sensibilities of the AU student population.

Cocomelon

If all you need is the sensory stimuli without anything of actual substance, then we have the show for you. This show, responsible for utterly obliterating the dopamine receptors of our nation’s youth for the past several years, will be the perfect show to sate you and your partner’s need to be multitasking in order to accomplish anything. Plus, you’re probably thinking it, so we’ll just say it: your classmates are probably watching it for fun anyway.

Obama Respect Moments Montage

We used to be a real country, damnit; one led by real people, respectable people, people like our 44th president, Barack Obama. Forget rose petals on the bed and set the scene with a compilation of scenes that remind us why Obama’s presidency is remembered as one of unfettered optimism. You know, apart from that other stuff.

Bloomberg Report

Constant economic anxiety hindering your bedroom performance? Look no further. With the Bloomberg Report showing you real-time updates on the economy and stock market, both you and your partner will be able to see if your concerns are founded at any given moment, making your encounter as stress-free as possible. You’re welcome!

Suits

To all the wonks out there, this one’s for you. Combine your bedroom and courtroom fantasies by watching the exploits of our favorite Harvard Law grads, Harvey Specter and Mike Ross. Let’s face it, if you go to American University, you’ve probably thought about how much you want to be them, and by watching it during the act, you can share that passion with your partner.

The West Wing/The Newsroom

Take your dirty talk to the next level with the cutting wit and timeless speeches of Aaron Sorkin in his two biggest TV shows. Take yourself and your partner to where you really want to be, giving the Right Answer to some feckless idiot in front of a large crowd of people, and showing them all just how much better at talking you are. Once you’re done with all that sex stuff, these shows will help you and your partner do what you really want to do to each other: debate redundant topics ad nauseum until someone can’t take it anymore.

The Coinbase Super Bowl Ad

Everyone knows that the real bonding experience of sex is singing along in unison to whatever music is playing in the background. So let that intimate moment be brought to you by Coinbase co-opting the sweet sounds of the Backstreet Boys to try and make you overlook that they, as a company, are emblematic of everything wrong with our country. Plus, it lets you take edging to new heights – you and your partner can try to perfectly time pausing the commercial before it shows its logo and ruins everything.

Smiling Friends*

Have you ever had a sexual fantasy about licking cookie crumbs off your red-skinned humanoid-ish employee’s chest during a company vacation? What am I saying, of course you have! If you’re looking to spice things up, bring the two-second scene of just this happening on Smiling Friends to the bedroom, along with a plate of cookies and some red body paint.

*Note from the author: Two hours after writing this, I received word that the creators of Smiling Friends had decided to not renew the show for any more seasons. I feel as though I jinxed it by writing about it in this article and profusely apologize to the world.

The Inauguration of Zohran Mamdani

The ‘s’ in ‘sexy’ stands for ‘socialist victory in the United States.’ To that end, bring your hope for the future to the bedroom by reliving the moment Zohran Mamdani was sworn in as mayor of New York City this past New Year’s Day. I’m sure you and your partner will agree, the national shift to the left has never looked so good!

Heated Rivalry

Admittedly, I have yet to watch this show, but I’m told it portrays the peak of eroticism: international hockey games. With you and your partner watching this during the deed, the skates, sticks, pucks, and rinks will inspire you to take things to new heights. I’m told the other subplots are entertaining, too. Whatever those are.

30 Rock

It’s a good show.