(WASHINGTON, D.C.) – The U.S. Department of Education (ED) today released a new report on findings that nationwide, professors genuinely do not understand that students during Thanksgiving Break might want to, for example, relax, travel home, or gaze blankly at a wall without a 20-page literature review due the Monday after Thanksgiving.

Among the report’s key findings:
– 62% of professors identified Thanksgiving as “an ideal window” for students to catch up on that project they should have started in October.
– 71% reported scheduling major exams the Monday after break because “the holidays gave students ample time to study and focus on school”.
– 59% sheepishly admitted to the viewpoint that, “If I have to go back to my lousy family and have a shitty thanksgiving, why don’t they?”.
In response, American University officials said, “Our staff are totally aware of your concerns. Unfortunately, we can only provide links to on-campus support services at this time.”