WHITE HOUSE – President Trump told reporters at the White House that it was the “biggest tragedy, possibly ever” that former Vice President Dick Cheney would not live to see the US carry out regime change in the world’s most oil-rich country, Venezuela.
Although Trump is seeking to imprison the deceased VP’s daughter, Liz Cheney, the President assured the mourning nation that Dick Cheney would be “smiling up at us” when the US topples Maduro and brings democracy to Venezuelan oil reserves.
When asked for comment on these plans, Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth went on a drunken and borderline incomprehensible diatribe that roughly translated to this in normal English: “Dick Cheney’s impact on the concept of forever wars cannot be overstated, and we wholeheartedly believe that the best way to honor his memory is bringing another generation of Americans into one. So when we bring increased stock portfolios to Exxon— I mean, freedom to the Venezuelan people, we’ll be doing it for him. It’s what he would have wanted.”
FBI Director Kash Patel, who was not asked for comment but heard we were doing interviews and barged in, offered a statement to the late Vice President: “Rest now, brother. We have the watch. And I’ll see you in Valhalla.”
(📝: Colin Szustakowski and Max Gregorian)
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