AU College Republicans Really Hoping No One They Know Saw That Politico Article

AMERICAN UNIVERSITY – The American University College Republicans (AUCRs) opened their weekly meeting with their usual tradition: pledging allegiance to Ronald Reagan’s ghost and updating their whiteboard tally labeled “Days Without Sex”, which has reportedly not reset since the repeal of Roe v. Wade in 2022. Moments later, the meeting descended into a frenzy after Politico reported on thousands of leaked private messages from young GOP leaders across the country, leaks that included egregious messages from members of their own chapter.

The messages revealed exactly the kind of intellectual depth you’d expect from future Republican strategists: “Ok, tbh AU admin deserves even more money.” wrote one member. “BTW guys we don’t rlly care about Italian-Americans, we are just trying to rage bait,” one another wrote while planning the group’s recent “Columbus Day” posts. 

Shockingly, the Politico report revealed that the AUCRs were responsible for the mysterious wave of fire alarms plaguing the Letts–Anderson-Centennial dorms throughout midterms week. The Rival American reached out to AUCRs for comment, but the organization denied member involvement and dismissed the allegations as “leftist propaganda”.