WASHINGTON DC – Earlier today, the director of the DC rat food safety agency announced a Class I recall for all human food products and scraps. This is the highest-level risk warning the agency issues, reserved for when consumption of a food by rats has a reasonable probability of serious health problems or death. The warning comes after weeks of highly publicized contaminations of human food with E. Coli, Cyclospora, fiberglass, and other contaminants. The director of DC’s agency for rat food safety, Rat F. Kennedy (not to be confused with his late father, Rat Francis Kennedy Sr.), warned rodents to be wary of any food products sourced from humans, as they risk exposure to countless maladies and poisons.

“Although us rats are not known for our pickiness,” he quipped, “we can never be too careful when it comes to the safety of what we put into our bodies.”

The agency did not give DC rodents any indication as to when they believe it will be safe to consume human scraps again.