Last week, President Trump announced a newfound link between the consumption of Terrace Dining Room (TDR) chicken and an increased risk of autism, per the Department of Health and Human Services.
Doctors in the US will now advise patients against the consumption of TDR chicken to patients who are pregnant, nursing, or trying not to shit their pants.
Department of Health and Human Services Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. is a long-time vaccine skeptic and modern-medicine critic. Kennedy recommended that American students should alternatively follow his personal health plan: two valium and a line of cocaine before every meal.
“It worked for Jordan Belfort, it’ll work for the rest of you,” Kennedy said.
The news came unexpectedly for Elon Musk who, at the time of the announcement, was found shoveling the half-raw poultry down his gullet in the isolated back corner of the dining hall.
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