NEW YORK, NY – The rumors are true: Judaism and Islam have joined forces, and they’ve chosen New York City as their conquest. The alliance is fronted by Zohran Mamdani and Brad Lander. Their slogan? “No Pork, no Problem.”
Catholic leaders whispered in panic: “Jews and Muslims have joined forces? What is this, the past thousand years in Europe? First it was halal carts, then bagel carts… now they’ve joined forces? God Help our casseroles.”
Mamdani, now styling himself as “Mayor Zohran the Magnificent,” held a press conference on the City Hall steps flanked by falafel pyramids and matzah ball towers. Brad Lander nodded beside him, solemnly promising to replace every Dunkin’ with 24/7 halal-kosher fusion kiosks.
Andrew Cuomo attempted resistance, warning that the alliance was a, “direct assault on baked ziti culture.” But New Yorkers didn’t buy it. Most were busy queuing up for shawarma-everything bagels on the subway platform.
Christians across the city began stockpiling casseroles in fear of being legislated into extinction.
Priests demanded emergency brunch rights. The Archbishop begged, “At least leave us mimosas.”
Unbothered, Mamdani and Lander smiled into the cameras and declared:
“Bagels and Biryani shall govern this city now. Catholics may keep their wine, we’ve got the carbs covered.”
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