You’ve been sexiled. Welcome to a key pillar of the college experience! Here at The Rival, we feel your pain and want to help you figure out what to do now that you can’t relax in the comfort of your own bed. Here are a couple ideas of how to kill the next few minutes hours while your roommate gets it on.
Wait in line at The Bridge
If you’ve got some serious time to kill, try to get a coffee from the Bridge while everyone’s on their way to their next class! Honestly, your roommate and their “special friend” will probably be done by the time you’ve had the chance to find a seat!
Figure Out The New Meal Plan So You Can Go to TDR
To be honest, I have zero clue how this new meal plan works, but I definitely know that the food still isn’t worth the money the meal plans cost! But since you’re stuck outside, might as well go to TDR while you’re at it. You already paid for the meal plan, might as well go use your dining dollars (?) to run into everybody you’ve ever ghosted in the Home Style line.
Go Ghost Hunting in Kerwin’s Subterrace
I’m pretty sure that place is haunted. The whole concept of calling the basement of a building the “terrace” already sounds stupid, but adding a second basement called the “subterrace” is so insane that only SPA would have such an abomination. To be honest, there’s not much in Kerwin’s subterrace but it definitely looks haunted as fuck, so maybe you can go find some ghosts while you’re waiting.
Turn a Dorm Into an Unofficial Triple Bunk
If you’re roommate won’t let you back into your room long into the night, start applying for the position of The Unofficial Roommate! Perks include: being able to stay inside, complaining to your unofficial roommates about how you’re sexiled, and you’ll have somewhere to sleep at night without hearing any moaning from the other side of the room. Cons: you’ll probably be sleeping on the floor.
I’ll give an example because I’ve been holding this shit in since freshman year: one Friday night I was heading back to my dorm at midnight when my roommate texted me “hey are u gonna be back in the dorm soon?” which was her classic way of saying “my boyfriend is already inside me” (I’d previously learned this the hard way– I’m still getting flashbacks of ass as I’m writing this).
I told her I’d like to be back soon to go to sleep and to please text me as soon as I can come in. She says “sure i’ll lyk” and I wait….. And wait…… AND KEEP WAITING……
I text her an hour later begging her to let me in and she says something like “we need a little more time.” Sorry, I didn’t realize our shared dorm was your honeymoon suite for you and your first boyfriend ever!
This cycle repeats for, I shit you not, two more hours before I give up and fall sleep on my neighbor’s floor at 3am (thank you to those wonderful neighbors for taking pity on me and creating a makeshift bed for me at 3am) Guess when I finally got that “hey u can come back in now!” text?? SIX THIRTY IN THE MORNING.
Needless to say, our RAs had their work cut out for them the next morning. If my freshman year roommate is reading this, just know I still hold a grudge against you and your boyfriend.
Write an Article in the Meantime!
Hey, that’s how I got started at The Rival and somehow they put me in charge! Clearly my freshman year experience had a lot of this stuff happen, so I channelled some of that frustration into writing silly articles online. If you’ve still got nothing better to do after reading this list and you’re roommate’s still getting lucky, join The Rival by applying on our website page!
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