On a campus obsessed with, but rarely having, sex during the infamous month of love, I thought I would share an inclusive guide to which majors at American University are safe to smash, and which you need to pass. If I passed on your major, keep in mind that it’s not you, it’s me. But in reality, it’s actually probably you.

Audio Production – Smash

Would you rather smash a producer or a technician? The answer is obviously producer. They get so locked in on their beats, so you know they’ll be locked in on you. Plus, you know they already have a bomb sex playlist.

Biology – Smash

They already know their way around the human body, so you’re guaranteed to have a pleasurable time.

CLEG – Pass

They have way too much going on! They’re managing Communications, Law, Economics, and Government, so trust me, they don’t have the time for you, either.

Communications – Smash

They’re open to any discussion, so you might finally get to try some of your kinks out. (Smart) comms students are good with their words, and they’ll really be able to talk you through it. 

Econ – Pass

Maybe if you’re okay with them checking the stock market while getting it on with you, but you better hope the market doesn’t crash.

KOGOD Majors – Pass

Essentially the focus group for AI; they’ve lost most of their brain function and would need to ask ChatGPT how to have sex. They are also using an AI flirt bot to text you.

Legal Studies – Smash

Everyone needs a future lawyer in their life, especially considering AU’s pipeline to politics.

Math – Smash

Trust, their fingers aren’t just for counting, and they know all the right, obtuse, and acute angles to get you off. 

Philosophy – Pass

Have you ever met a philosophy major? If not, I suggest you keep it that way.

Political Science – Pass

Get ready for some major mansplaining, and right when you get close, they’re gonna stop and hit you with an “erm, actually” about something you said at dinner. They’re the human equivalent of the nerd and pointer finger emojis, WONK central. 

Psychology – Pass

They’ll know too much about you before you even think about having sex with them, and they’ll also be psychoanalyzing you during the act. Only smash if you’re ready to hear, “I think you need to go to therapy,” as soon as it’s over.

SIS – Pass

Who wants to hook up with someone who did Model UN in high school? 

Theater – Smash and Pass

If you’re gay, smash; if you’re not, pass. That’s just the way it is.