The time has come for turkey, football, and bizarre retellings of early US history. However, for many students at American University, Thanksgiving is a difficult holiday that involves stays with unwelcoming families, forced interactions with unpleasant relatives, and clashes over most of the things that matter to them and all of the things that don’t. This year isn’t looking any easier. After weeks of talking to AU students who are uneasy about what’s in store for them this Thanksgiving, I’ve put together a short list of all the best tips and tricks I’ve been told to help the last Thursday of November go down just a little bit easier.
(Pictured: The best beer you’ll ever have / Photo Credit: Clancy’s)
Go out on Wednesday (and Thursday) night:
A small town classic. If you’re old enough to drink and young enough to still have hometown friends, an easy way to boost your morale ahead of the holiday is to go out for a few drinks the night before at a local watering hole. Or somebody’s garage. If you’re unfortunate enough to not have anyone that likeable back home, go out anyway. Who knows, you might make a few friends. Do this on Thursday too, chase the meal with a strong, cold dessert. Maybe even Friday. There’s a long time until you see DC again.
When politics come up:
(Pictured “ZOH-ran MOM-dahn-ee”: alleged Maoist, Jihadist. Confirmed Trump-whisperer / Photo Credit: Getty Images)
Don’t try fixing your older relative’s pronunciation of Zohran Mamdani:
I know. It’s three syllables, I don’t even know how they got to that pronunciation. When Mayor-Elect Mamdani inevitably comes up in discussion, you’ll have to bite the bullet for the pronunciations of his name by older relatives that can only be described as disrespectful. Trust me, it is a struggle in vain to try and fix how your relatives say the next Mayor of New York City’s name. If Andrew Cuomo couldn’t figure it out after losing to him twice, your Aunt Patty isn’t going to get it either.
(Pictured: Secretary of the Interior Doug Burgum, a Doug Burgum enthusiast / Photo Credit: Getty Images)
Repeatedly endorse Doug Burgum:
Every time the conversation enters American politics, steer it back towards US Secretary of the Interior Doug Burgum, who you hope will run in 2028 so you can support him. Immigration? Doug Burgum. Epstein Files? Doug Burgum. Tariffs? “You guys should really read about Doug Burgum.” The billionaire former Governor of North Dakota really does have an impressive resume and obscure, technocratic political stances, so you’ll need to do some research. It doesn’t matter if your relatives even know who he is. Soon enough, they’ll get sick of talking about their political beliefs when you keep mentioning your deep affinity and endorsements for Doug Burgum, every time.
(Credit: Frank Herbert / Chilton Books)
Slowly conflate Israel/Palestine with Dune:
Yikes! You really hoped this one wouldn’t come up, but you sort of knew it would. For AU students across several faiths, this topic poses the nastiest powder keg of a conversation during Thanksgiving, with the most intergenerational divides. Your first goal should be to express a well-thought out, morally defensible opinion. When that fails, you should begin sprinkling in elements from the universe of Frank Herbert’s novel Dune. Slip in mention of the Harkonnens, reference the Butlerian Jihad, and then express your concerns about the influence of Bene Gesserit on the Middle East. If you think that this might cause confused relatives to withdraw because they feel uninformed or uneducated, don’t worry, that has never stopped them before. Before you know it, you will have a supper full of guests ready to fight under the banner of House Atreides and return Arrakis to the Fremen.
(Credit: Hallmark Cards Inc.)
If you’re single, think Hallmark movie:
Don’t let your relatives pin it on you. They’re going to ask you if you’re dating someone like they’ve already RSVP’d for your wedding. You need to make it seem like it’s the fault of all of the members of your preferred sex in DC. Not in a weird, sexist incel way. Pretend you’re a protagonist in a Hallmark movie, the big city yuppie who is busy thinking about your career. For the more suburban and rural folks, your family might already view you this way. Now, think like you’re that character and have now had the change of heart, where you just want someone kind, who takes it easy and who you can settle down with. When you talk about why you’re single, frame it like you just can’t find anyone in DC who has the time to take things seriously and give you the attention you deserve. This tip works for all sexualities. Also, if you weren’t single last Thanksgiving, but you are now, you can say this is why things ended. This will tug on the heart-strings of your relatives, who might start listing off people they know who they think would be a good match for you. Some of them might even be within five years of your age. This is a very preferable outcome, because now you’ve got yourself the sympathy of your loved ones, and a date with Zack, who works at your uncle’s home-renovation company and describes himself as “politically moderate.” I bet he’s a keeper!
(Pictured: NVIDIA CEO Jensen Huang / Credit: Getty Images)
When asked about your future, say you’re doing something with A.I. :
It doesn’t matter what. Just say you’re starting some job or internship that has some AI or LLM or some other shit in it. Older relatives love this stuff. They’ll just eat it up like soggy mashed potatoes. Mention something about using ChatGPT and they’ll look at you like the next Steve Jobs. When you take a step outside of the college environment, you’ll realize most people who don’t work with AI view it like some sort of witch doctor. The best part is, this isn’t something you’ll ever have to follow up on. Even if they remember what you tell them, when the AI bubble bursts, your relatives will just assume your fake job went down with the ship too. Happy sailing.
(Pictured: Where the boys go to become boys with hearing loss)
When asked about your future, tell them you’re thinking about joining the military:
Rather than having to describe the miserable beast that is the job market to your relatives, and having to endure their feigned pity, just tell them you’ve begun considering enlistment after you graduate. This will spell out to them how dire the market is so much quicker than prosecuting the state of the US economy over collard greens. (DO NOT DO THIS IF YOUR FAMILY ORIGINALLY WISHED FOR YOU TO JOIN THE MILITARY). If you’ve already enlisted and are in the reserves, tell them you’re thinking about staying in the military. This should dramatically decrease the time you have to spend discussing your job prospects this Thanksgiving. All things considered, this option isn’t all that bad in real life. There’s the GI Bill and job security, because AI can never replace the 22 year old’s developing brain.
(Photo Credit: @georginarodriguez on TikTok)
Don’t try and be cool for your little cousins:
You were just in high school, I get it. It feels like you’re still so young. Doesn’t matter. You’re a dinosaur to these little guys. Please don’t try to impress them. 6-7, Tung Tung Tung Sahur, doesn’t fucking matter. You have a foot in the grave. As tempting as it might be, even if they’re referencing something that you know, nine times out of ten you’re going to look ancient. They know it, you know it; you are unc. You’re lucky if they remember Covid. If you’re going to reference anything from the internet to try and relate to them, it needs to be a layup. Otherwise, keep your mouth shut and go talk about books or football like a grown up.
(It is medicinal now! / Photo Credit: Adobe Stock)
Go for a “walk”:
This one is a no-brainer. Almost everyone I’ve asked for advice mentioned this one. The more people at your Thanksgiving, the better. It’ll make your subtle disappearance and change in behavior after returning from getting some fresh air less noticeable. If you’ve got a good cousin, a sibling your age, even a cool aunt or uncle, this will be an option. If you don’t, it’s your job to become the chill cousin. This one can be blink-and-you’ll-miss-it. Look for the signs, like someone asking if you want to come walk the dog, or telling you that they need a quick walk around the block. This is the most game-changing advice if done right. It will make your food taste better, your good relatives funnier, and the rest of your relatives more tolerable. After going for a “walk” it is important you and your conspirators stick together. Each person in the group hushing up or “acting funny” is obvious by themselves, but barely visible if you all act that way together. Don’t even worry about eye-drops. If your family’s cooking is any good, everyone’s faces will be buried in the food anyways. Just make sure you throw on some extra cologne before your scent reminds grandpa of his time in the army.
Find your anchor:
All jokes aside, this is a very important strategy I learned talking to students anticipating a rough long weekend. When you know you’re going to a Thanksgiving that can spiral out of control with unfriendly relatives, it’s important to find your so-called “anchor” who you can cling to and trust. Whoever you get along best with, or know to be the least of a problem, make them your anchor. Sit next to them at supper, chat with them beforehand, and don’t face any problem-relatives without each other. From what I’ve heard, the odds are you’re both just trying to get through Thanksgiving, so stick with each other and the holiday will go a lot quicker.
(Your grandma, probably! / Photo Credit: iStock)
Help out in the kitchen:
Really. They could use some help in there. Cooking for Thanksgiving can be thankless work, so if you aren’t already, put on an apron and lend a hand. Of course this isn’t all altruistic. The cynical part of this is that it’s an easy way to avoid having to converse if you don’t want to. Just look really busy, and focus all your attention into peeling carrots or preparing the mac and cheese. If your free-rider relatives, who just want to eat what you’re cooking, have any sense, they’ll know to leave you to it, out of their fear of distracting you and messing up their delicious, laborless meal. You can still go for a “walk” while the turkey is also getting baked in the oven.
(Pictured: a nice cold one)
Drink.
I don’t have to explain this one. It’s called Black Friday because if you do everything right, you shouldn’t remember the first few hours of it.
Remember, there’s always next year:
The memento mori of this whole experience. It’s a double-edged sword: if you really fuck up or things go off the rails, you could always do better next Thanksgiving, or you can dread knowing you’ll rehash this shitshow in 12 months. Either way, keep these tips in mind, and best of luck at your Thanksgiving!
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