“Let’s do a group costume!”
“I wanna do Scooby Doo”
“No we should be sexy George Bushes and the shoes that hit him in 2008!”
“But I wanted to be a coquette Labubu :(“
ENOUGH WITH THE DISCOURSE! When I was younger, Halloween used to be easy; there was only one thing we wanted and could do. This streamlined the strategy to ensure we kept our eye on the prize: candy. But the peer pressure in having a fun-maxxing wild college Halloweekend adds several more tasks that require a perfect synchronicity of endurance and taste between you and your adventuring party.
How long should we stay out?
What time should we pregame?
Where should we have the photoshoot?
Who is allowed to invite whom?
Clarity has never been more important.
So I travelled for miles to find some sort of solution so my friends and I can have a good time. I stumbled upon the monolith of wisdom and cleverness – that eagle statue right by Bender Arena with all the benches where people eat their subway orders.
The Eagle Sphinx (Sphegle?) gives me his first riddle: “What has a friend who is under 21 with a dubious fake and another friend who wishes to party at Decades?” (Don’t go there btw. I spent $20 on a cover and my friend behind me got rejected because he wasn’t wearing belt loops).
“Maybe we could find places that’re 18 plus?” I answer.
“True, true, however,” The Sphegle booms. “But be warned that these venues are essentially bat mitzvahs with no parental supervision, just men above the age of 30 who lurk in the corner. Also it has bad music. Which leads me to my next riddle,” he says.
“I become extremely bratty when a radio song is on the playlist, and complain that I can only dance to real music. I make it a mission to have artists with less than 1,000 listeners listed in my Spotify wrapped, but all of their songs are dog-awful. What am I?”
I tried to think of a considerate answer, then meekly I said, “Maybe we could make a spotify group jam?”
“Lmao,” said Sphegle. “That was even worse of an answer. Your friend is too inconsiderate to be mindful of everyone’s preferences and will hog up the cue. Plus half your group uses Apple Music.”
Sphegle then uses his talon to crush a can of Coors Light against his forehead. “A’ight I’ll do my best to help you out, but you’ll have to answer my final riddle.” I gulped.
“What has four shots in the pregame, three more jungle juices at the party, and two new lovers at the end of the night?”
“Could I get this friend a cup of water and an uber home?”
“Nuh uh! The price of partying with this friend will cost you more than that. You’ll be forced to stay relatively sober to keep track of everyone more wasted than you, it’s the law of equivalent exchange: someone must be the babysitter in order for another to have fun. Plus you’ll have to pay extra for surge pricing and other fees when your friend pukes in the uber.”
Guys, I’m so dizzy trying to reach high expectations. But what am I, a loser who stays in and brags about it? I’ll be no better than that one person you know who posts SNL (jury duty for celebrities) clips on their main story. In fact, I’ll probably be someone worse: I’ll be someone who captions the story with some lukewarm takedown of Trump.
Here’s the lesson, straight from the wise Sphegle: lower your expectations, and fill up a BORG(remember those?) to SHARE THROUGHOUT THE NIGHT. Just like soldiers in the trenches passing around the last flask of whiskey. Sprinkle in some liquid IV, and label it something fun like “UNACCEPTA-BORG” (Lemon Grab themed borg)…
Have a safe Halloweekend!
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